Being a mom is the hardest, most wonderful experiences in the world. I'm more than a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a teacher. I'm a reader. I'm a singer. I'm a friend. I am all of these things. They all define me. I attempt to never allow one to outweigh the other.

I struggle with balance like anyone would. My girls are amazing. Jordan will be four in a couple of months. I signed her up for preschool yesterday. I cried a little as I got in my car. Where has the time gone? I remember the day I got the phone call from the fertility doctors that I was pregnant. I remember how excited I was, and the instant connection I felt to the life growing inside me. I was so proud and happy that I had been able to get pregnant before any real treatment was necessary. I remember all those amazing milestones as she grew inside of me and how simple it was to choose her name once we knew the baby was a girl. I remember laying on my tummy and feeling her bump me for the first time. I remember being in the pool everyday until the day before delivery, getting exercise and stretching to prepare my body for labor. Then came the day of her arrival. The anticipation and excitement. I said to my mom with tears in my voice, "Mommy, I'm going to have a baby today". How hard it all was. The pain. How the only way I got through that labor with no epidural was picturing holding her for the first time. Nothing could ever describe what I felt when I pulled her up to me. How ageless and wise her eyes were. How I instantly recognized her hands and feet as looking exactly like my husband's. How I knew she and I would always be bonded in a way that defied explaination.

My second daughter, Emily, was a complete surprise! We weren't trying to get pregnant and quite frankly, we weren't sure we wanted more children when we got pregnant. My hubby had been making his case for singletons and I was slowly coming around. But I wouldn't trade Emily for anything. She is joyous and curious about everything. I hated being pregnant the second time around. I was sick all day long for 16 weeks. And I was working at a new school. I was exhausted all the time. The only exciting part was picking her name. We took a lot longer to figure out a name but landed on Emily because it's old-fashioned, femine, and my favorite and closest cousin's name. I remember feeling like I was just some sort of incubation receptical. I had none of the warm-fuzzy feelings I had during my first pregnancy.

I was three weeks out from my due date and my widwife told me I was two centimeters. The next week, I saw the doctor and he told me I wasn't dialated at all. I was so confused, and tired, and frustrated. I had a full out panic crying attack. I just wanted the pregnancy to be over! A few days later, my midwife called and asked me to come in so she could check me. She explained how the baby had shifted and had pulled by cervix back making it hard to reach. I cried and cried in the office about how I was feeling and she agreed to induce labor with pitocin. I was worried about using pitocin since I didn't have it last time and was afraid I'd end up with an epidural if we used it. But my labor with Emily was in a lot of ways simpler than Jordan's. My water stayed intact until I was 6cm so I had a nice cushion to help with the contractions. I knew what to expect so I was able to stay calm during transition. Pushing was easier since I knew what a good push felt like.

But nothing, nothing, would ever prepare me for what I felt when I pulled her up to me after she was born. I realized in that moment that I had not wanted her for most of my pregnancy. I looked into her beautiful face that looked so much like mine and my mom's and I wanted her and loved her. I also realized I had been scared that I would never be able to love another baby the way I had loved Jordan. I had a severe panic attack when they took her. I yelled at Josh to stay with her and got upset when I couldn't see them working on her. I kept asking if she was okay. All I wanted was for her to be back in my arms. They gave me stadol to calm me down. And I thank my lucky stars they did.

Today, Jordan is willful, expressive, opinionated, and sensitive. She requires a lot of one on one time. She is hilariously funny. Emily will be 20 months old this month. She loves to laugh, is discovering new abilities and words each day, she loves her sister, and is joyful above all things.

These are my children. They make me strong and they give me purpose.