Back to reality

My husband and I recently went on a cruise to the Bahamas for our five year anniversary.  It was the the first time we have been on a vacation together since we got married in Jamaica!  Long overdue and much deserved, we had a blast doing a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot everything on the boat!  But we both missed the girls like crazy while we were gone.

A few days before we were scheduled to leave, Jordy came down with a horrible cough.  Josh and I alternated two nights in a row of sleeping with her out in the living room.  Doctor informed us it was croup and gave us medicine.  She was still coughing and taking meds the day of departure.   

The morning we were to leave, I got up and got myself ready first.  I began making a simple but filling breakfast for all of us.  Eggs, toast, smoothies, and coffee for me.  I can made the eggs and given some to Emily to get her started.  She likes to eat by 8am on the dit dot or she'll let you know she's displeased!  I got the ingredients needed to make straberry/banana/cherry smoothies.  I turned away and didn't hear Jord come up behind me with her chair.  She had positioned herself right in front of the stove.  Before I could even realize she was in danger, she had placed her right hand on the flat top burner...which was off but was still hot from the eggs I'd made fro Emmy. 

A personal nightmare of mine, she looked up at me with her large brown eyes.  They screamed silently at me, "What is happening?  Why do I hurt to bad?"  I grabbed her up and put her hand under cool water at the sink.  She was screaming and crying and her hand began to shake.  I have absolutely no experience with serious burns so I put an ice pack on it.  That made it worse.  Then I got on the computer and looked up what I should do.  I got a cool cloth and pressed it but she said the cloth hurt it.  I debated whether to take her to the hospital or the doctors.  I took the clothe off and realize her burn had already bubbled up.  It was an angry red color, raised.  It ran from the mound of skin just below her thumb down to her wrist.  I have a great pediatrician so I called him first.  His office told me to bring her right in.  Within 20 minutes of her burn we were sitting in the doc's office.

Most of the burn was first degree with a second degree burn were her skin had bubbled up.  They gave us Silvadene and told us to continue changing the dressing twice a day until healed.  While there, Jordy's caught was out of control.  I think it was because she was so upset.  They gave her a breathing treatment.  The action of breathing steadily and the very cool facemask she got to wear (at least she thought so) calmed her down and she asked me to read to her while she was taking her treatment. 

This whole time at the doctor's, I was a hot mess.  I started crying and just feeling so very guilty.  I know better than to turn my back.  I should have remained closer to the stove to block that hot area.  I should have...I could have...  I went over the scene in my mind a million times and every time I prevented the accident that had hurt my baby girl.  The doctor noticed my distressed.  He stopped what he was doing and sat with me for a minute.  He reassured me that this happens often and doesn't reflect my parenting.  He told me I had acted quickly and brought her in right away and that was the best I could do in the situation.  I still felt like ass....but call me vain it felt good to have someone tell me I wasn't the worst mom inthe world.

So our vacation started out with quite an adventure.  Jordan was acting a lot more like herself by the time we took her to her Nini's for the weekend.  It was ten times harder to leave knowing she was hurting but I knew she was in capable hands that care for her as well as I could.  We checked in often while away and realized Jordy was having a blast with her Neen and Papa! 

The burn is healing slowly but it is healing.  So, lesson learned.  She avoids the stove now and I watch Em like a hawk when she comes in to see what I'm up to.  She's tall enough to get both hands up on the counter when she's on tip toes and she's a climber. 

car singing rocks my world

Today was beauty day for this Momma.  It has been a year since I got my hair colored so I went so that I would look put together during our cruise. Plus the day after we get home, I start work and wont have time to get it done before I go back.  Went a little nuts and got red lowlights and bright blond highlights. 

I don't like to take the girls with me when I go get my hair done for several reasons.  (1) They have the patience of knats.  (2) The chemicals in the air.  (3) It's "me" time.  At any rate, I had my nephew watch them at my sister's house.  Jordan LOVES going to her Aunt Leigh Leigh's house.  Kyleigh and Jacob are a nice change of pace from just being at home with Momma or running errands.  Emily also seems to really enjoy being around all the noise and hustle of playing that exists there. 

On the way to Leigh's house, I was singing some song that was playing on the radio (I think it was a Kelly Clarkson son), and not well I will add, but I still belt it out like a rock star because whose listening but my kids and they don't care what I sound like...yet.  So, I'm singing and rocking out with Kelly when I hear this light, sing-songy, high-pitched voice coming from the back seat.  There are some la-las but no melody.  This isn't Jordan, I decide, since Jordan just tries to see Twinkle Twinkle or Mary had a Little Lamb louder than I'm singing.  I tilt the rearview mirror to glance at Emily.  She's staring out the window bobbing her head to the beat and singing away in her own little Emily Language.  My heart melts. 

Getting Out

After being cooped up all day yesterday, Jordan seemed to need to get out today. And honestly, I've never been a home body. All three of us girls ate our breakfast. As usual, Emily scarfed hers. She takes fistfuls and shovels in like the eggs will disappear at any moment. The eggs lasted moments. Then we cleaned up and headed out to the YMCA.

Our local YMCA has a kidzone. I can drop the kids off for up to an hour and a half while I work out. It's been a god-send this summer since I have been on a mission to reclaim my body for myself. To Jordan, it's the most social interaction with kids she gets on a regular basis. She has friends there and she loves the "teachers". There is a separate section for the under two crowd. It's so good for Emily to have other little ones to play with as well. Today, there was some crazy little boy in there about eight or nine years old. He was pushing a toddler sized stroller at a break-necked speed. Two of the three teachers were trying in vain to get him to stop and settle. The third teacher was signing me out and explaining an incident Jordan had with the boy.

Jordan told the older boy she was strong. This kid apparently felt threated by my three year olds claim of strength because he said he was stronger, then proceeded to bend her finger back. Before you get up in arms...and believe me I took a cleansing break so that I didn't jump over the half door to strangle the kid who would dare to hurt my girl...you should should know that I trust the discipline policy that is in place there. They put him in a time out and made him apologize to her. The teacher said, "We were all pretty amazed at how forgiving Jordan was." Of course they were! Jordan is a pretty stoic kid.

Jordan and I had a talk in the car ride to lunch about bigger kids. I told her that sometimes kids don't know the rules or make bad choices during play times. We talked about how bigger kids like that little boy, aren't the best choice for her to play with. I asked her who she likes to play with most. She told me her best friends at the Y are a little girl named Nicole and Alana. I asked her why she likes playing with them so much. She told me because they all like playing dress up and they are nice to her. I asked her if that boy liked playing the same games as her and if he was nice to her. She said, "No, so maybe I wont play with him anymore." Smart girl.

I love the age Jordan is. She is developing a knowledge of right and wrong, likes and dislikes. She reasons for ever choice that she believes in. I can only hope that her willfulness and strong personality become great assets to her in womanhood. I know that they have been great traits for myself as I've made choices about my career and parenting.

Being a mom is the hardest, most wonderful experiences in the world. I'm more than a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a teacher. I'm a reader. I'm a singer. I'm a friend. I am all of these things. They all define me. I attempt to never allow one to outweigh the other.

I struggle with balance like anyone would. My girls are amazing. Jordan will be four in a couple of months. I signed her up for preschool yesterday. I cried a little as I got in my car. Where has the time gone? I remember the day I got the phone call from the fertility doctors that I was pregnant. I remember how excited I was, and the instant connection I felt to the life growing inside me. I was so proud and happy that I had been able to get pregnant before any real treatment was necessary. I remember all those amazing milestones as she grew inside of me and how simple it was to choose her name once we knew the baby was a girl. I remember laying on my tummy and feeling her bump me for the first time. I remember being in the pool everyday until the day before delivery, getting exercise and stretching to prepare my body for labor. Then came the day of her arrival. The anticipation and excitement. I said to my mom with tears in my voice, "Mommy, I'm going to have a baby today". How hard it all was. The pain. How the only way I got through that labor with no epidural was picturing holding her for the first time. Nothing could ever describe what I felt when I pulled her up to me. How ageless and wise her eyes were. How I instantly recognized her hands and feet as looking exactly like my husband's. How I knew she and I would always be bonded in a way that defied explaination.

My second daughter, Emily, was a complete surprise! We weren't trying to get pregnant and quite frankly, we weren't sure we wanted more children when we got pregnant. My hubby had been making his case for singletons and I was slowly coming around. But I wouldn't trade Emily for anything. She is joyous and curious about everything. I hated being pregnant the second time around. I was sick all day long for 16 weeks. And I was working at a new school. I was exhausted all the time. The only exciting part was picking her name. We took a lot longer to figure out a name but landed on Emily because it's old-fashioned, femine, and my favorite and closest cousin's name. I remember feeling like I was just some sort of incubation receptical. I had none of the warm-fuzzy feelings I had during my first pregnancy.

I was three weeks out from my due date and my widwife told me I was two centimeters. The next week, I saw the doctor and he told me I wasn't dialated at all. I was so confused, and tired, and frustrated. I had a full out panic crying attack. I just wanted the pregnancy to be over! A few days later, my midwife called and asked me to come in so she could check me. She explained how the baby had shifted and had pulled by cervix back making it hard to reach. I cried and cried in the office about how I was feeling and she agreed to induce labor with pitocin. I was worried about using pitocin since I didn't have it last time and was afraid I'd end up with an epidural if we used it. But my labor with Emily was in a lot of ways simpler than Jordan's. My water stayed intact until I was 6cm so I had a nice cushion to help with the contractions. I knew what to expect so I was able to stay calm during transition. Pushing was easier since I knew what a good push felt like.

But nothing, nothing, would ever prepare me for what I felt when I pulled her up to me after she was born. I realized in that moment that I had not wanted her for most of my pregnancy. I looked into her beautiful face that looked so much like mine and my mom's and I wanted her and loved her. I also realized I had been scared that I would never be able to love another baby the way I had loved Jordan. I had a severe panic attack when they took her. I yelled at Josh to stay with her and got upset when I couldn't see them working on her. I kept asking if she was okay. All I wanted was for her to be back in my arms. They gave me stadol to calm me down. And I thank my lucky stars they did.

Today, Jordan is willful, expressive, opinionated, and sensitive. She requires a lot of one on one time. She is hilariously funny. Emily will be 20 months old this month. She loves to laugh, is discovering new abilities and words each day, she loves her sister, and is joyful above all things.

These are my children. They make me strong and they give me purpose.