Sensitive Kids

There is thing that happens most days.  It's called homework.  Some days my children attack their homework with confidence and gusto.  They revel in the knowledge that they completed a task that brings them one small step closer to free time on Friday. Don't get me started that they only get this free time (which was once called recess) on Fridays.

What does homework look like on the other days?  It's nothing short of a crisis.  Everyday I live in fear for the moment I have to ask, "Do you guys have any homework?"  If I get an eye roll from my eight year old...then I need to brace myself for the long haul.  First, denial.

Jordy on a good homework day at the library.

"No.  I don't have homework tonight. I can do double tomorrow since it's not due until Friday."  Sigh.  I am preparing the consequences in my head...no electronics of any kind until homework is done because it is really difficult to get her to stop her chosen activities once she has started.  I try to remind her of how good she felt on the days she completed her homework right after school and had the whole day to play with her puppy, on the computer, do art projects, etc. 

"But I'm hungry" or have a head ache, or thirsty, or have to go potty.  Insert whatever excuse she is rotating through that day.  Sigh.  Breath.  Don't loose your patience. 


But I can feel it building.  My frustration at her refusal to comply to the routine.  My impatience at her unwillingness to do as she is asked.  My anger at having had to work all day and deal with so many issues that it would be amazing to come home to compliant, respectful, perfect kids.  DEEP BREATH...because I know that isn't real.  My kids are confident, independent.  They negotiate terms.  They are intelligent and witty.  They don't always comply, they aren't always respectful (they're working on it) and they certainly will never be perfect.  I love them.

As I dig my heals in ("You will sit here until this is finished.") and so does she ("But I can't because I know how to spell this...my pencil broke...this pen doesn't feel right") ...something in her snaps.  Her anxiety is triggered.  She begins to panic and I feel completely responsible because I couldn't keep my cool.  I should know better.  I know she is highly emotionally sensitive.  I know that when her anxiety is triggered she goes from not wanting to her homework to truly believing she will fail second grade because she can't do the assignment.  All the signs of a panic attack are there.  She hyperventilates, her hands shake, she cries and hides.  And I hang my head in shame as she slams the door to get away from me...the source of the trigger...her mother.

This was taken after about 3 hrs of battling it out.

So what do I do?  Josh is amazing with her and is usually able to coax her back out to finish her assignments.  I know that her anxiety stems from the gifted characteristic called "perfectionism".  She is terrified of being a failure; and especially in front of me.  In other children it might mean a relentless focus on details.  And in some situations she is that way.  In art, she will re-draw the same image hundreds of times.  In music, she will sing the same song until she gets the pitch the way she wants it.  But in most academic areas, her perfectionism causes fear to rule her world. 

In school, she doesn't have issues except during testing situations and that has gotten better over time.  So what is the common denominator of her attacks?  Me.  She only panics at school in gifted...which she has with me once a week. 


So I am setting some small simple goals for myself:
1. When I notice the signs...take a walk before I start feeling the frustration (at home).  At school, I will simply walk away and work with another child for a while.
2. Create a schedule for when and where homework will be done each day.
3. Do a fun artsy thing with her either before or after homework time...her choice. 


It is my hope that by doing this I will help her to see that I am changing my behaviors; to help her see that I value her emotional health; and that I love her enough to change for her.


Don't get me wrong...this isn't every day.  Maybe 1-2 days a week this is happening.  But it's so stressful for everyone in the house that I feel it must change.


I am also reading as much as I can to help her:
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/socialemotionalissues/a/giftedstress_ed.htm


Tips for Parents


Stress, Learning and the Gifted


Bibliotherapy