I'm convinced that Jordan and I are destined to butt heads! We both are strong willed and hard headed. I want things done my way and she wants things done hers. It's hard to not get mad when your four year old tells you, "No, I make the rules!" or, "You have to listen to me!" or "I don't care what you say." or "I don't like you anymore Mommy!". It's hard not to lash out at that.
I often have to walk away. Its easy to forget, too, that she is just four years old because of her vocabulary and advanced conversation abilities. She is, emotionally, just barely four. She is focused on her autonomy right now, testing her boundaries, and feeling out where she fits in the world. I pray for patiences and often send up prayers like this: "Please, Lord, give me the right words to say to my little girl to help her see I am trying to help and guide her."
The bedtime routine and getting dressed are the hardest. Jordan wears ONLY pink clothes. Although she will wear pants and shorts, she will ONLY wear dresses. I just want to hand her an outfit in the mornings so we can get dressed and move on with our day. The bedtime routine has improved greatly since I now say at the start, "One show, one book, one prayer, off to bed." It's like a mantra and she seems to respond very well to the predicatable routine.
Emily has started to play and seek out structured games. She enjoys playing hide and seek with Josh and Jordan. Jordan will hide. Josh and Emily stay in another room. I can hear them count together and then yell out, "Here we come!" Emily's wide grin and hysterical giggle rings through the house and lightens the heart.
I watch the girls with Josh very closely. I have realized that my dad passed away shortly after I turned 3. Every moment that Jordan gets with Josh from here on out are moments I missed out on with my own father. It is fascinating to watch them enjoy each other; play, laugh, argue, cuddle, and discuss. So matter how she frustrates me...she is a miracle and she is one lucky duck.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saddness
A Poem by Heidi Parker 10/12/10
When you know there is no healing, what do you pray for?
Peace, strength, acceptance?
I pray for peace…
Peace for the hearts that deny there is anything wrong.
Peace for the hearts that deny a strangers help
Peace for the hearts that deny comfort to a loved one.
I pray for strength…
Strength for the caregivers of in the sick
Strength for the family members that have supported their efforts.
Strength for the one left behind
I pray for acceptance…
Acceptance for the stranger
Acceptance of the hurt
Acceptance of the final freedom
When distance keeps you from holding the ones who need it
When distance keeps you from your loved ones
When distance hardens your heart
Who will lend you the comfort you need?
This poem is not related to being a Mom but a hurt I have on my heart right now that I need to let go of.
When you know there is no healing, what do you pray for?
Peace, strength, acceptance?
I pray for peace…
Peace for the hearts that deny there is anything wrong.
Peace for the hearts that deny a strangers help
Peace for the hearts that deny comfort to a loved one.
I pray for strength…
Strength for the caregivers of in the sick
Strength for the family members that have supported their efforts.
Strength for the one left behind
I pray for acceptance…
Acceptance for the stranger
Acceptance of the hurt
Acceptance of the final freedom
When distance keeps you from holding the ones who need it
When distance keeps you from your loved ones
When distance hardens your heart
Who will lend you the comfort you need?
This poem is not related to being a Mom but a hurt I have on my heart right now that I need to let go of.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Proud Mama
A proud mama moment:
We went to the mall this evening so Jordan could pick out a new princess dress for her reward for going to all her swim lessons. Josh had bought her a Little Mermaid but she didn't like how restricted her legs were. She ended up choosing Cinderella's wedding dress.
Afterwards, we went to the playground at the mall. After playing for a few minutes Jordan came over to tell us a girl had been pulling on her dress. We looked over to the little girl, who had Downs and possibly cerebral palsy. We watched as the little girl pulled on other kids as they were trying to go down the slide. It was obvious she was trying to play but was having a hard time getting the other kids to play with her. As we watched some more, we realized the parents were signing with her.
Josh told Jordan that the little girl was signing so she probably was hard of hearing and didn't know how else to tell her she wanted to play. Jordan's eyes lit up and she said, "I could sign friend to her!" She rushed over to sign friend. The little girl smiled and instantly started signing with Jordan. The little girl's name was Amanda. They held hands and wandered around. Jordan was careful to stay at Amanda's walking pace and reminded her to be gentle when she got rough. They compared outfits and were signing the colors of their clothes.
What a beautiful gift to see out daughter looking beyond the physical appearance of a girl who was different and find a way to communicate and be friends. Amanda was upset when they left. She kept signing friend and home, as if she wanted to take Jordan with her. The family was very sweet.
Later tonight, as Jordan and I were having our evening cuddle, I asked her what she would like to pray about. She said, "We could pray for my new friend." So we did, that Amanda would remain in good health and find more friends that she could communicate with and play with and be happy.
God Bless Little Girls and their generous hearts.
We went to the mall this evening so Jordan could pick out a new princess dress for her reward for going to all her swim lessons. Josh had bought her a Little Mermaid but she didn't like how restricted her legs were. She ended up choosing Cinderella's wedding dress.
Afterwards, we went to the playground at the mall. After playing for a few minutes Jordan came over to tell us a girl had been pulling on her dress. We looked over to the little girl, who had Downs and possibly cerebral palsy. We watched as the little girl pulled on other kids as they were trying to go down the slide. It was obvious she was trying to play but was having a hard time getting the other kids to play with her. As we watched some more, we realized the parents were signing with her.
Josh told Jordan that the little girl was signing so she probably was hard of hearing and didn't know how else to tell her she wanted to play. Jordan's eyes lit up and she said, "I could sign friend to her!" She rushed over to sign friend. The little girl smiled and instantly started signing with Jordan. The little girl's name was Amanda. They held hands and wandered around. Jordan was careful to stay at Amanda's walking pace and reminded her to be gentle when she got rough. They compared outfits and were signing the colors of their clothes.
What a beautiful gift to see out daughter looking beyond the physical appearance of a girl who was different and find a way to communicate and be friends. Amanda was upset when they left. She kept signing friend and home, as if she wanted to take Jordan with her. The family was very sweet.
Later tonight, as Jordan and I were having our evening cuddle, I asked her what she would like to pray about. She said, "We could pray for my new friend." So we did, that Amanda would remain in good health and find more friends that she could communicate with and play with and be happy.
God Bless Little Girls and their generous hearts.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Happy Fourth Birthday Jordan Danielle
Four years ago today, I met someone who changed my life forever. I know when I got pregnant for the first time that my bond with this unknown being would be special. Not only because it would be my first child, but because I wanted her with every breath, every cell, every hope and dream. And somehow I knew she would be a girl. We half heartedly picked a back up boy name but I knew we wouldn't need it.
The day before I went in to get checked for the final time (Oct. 2, 2006), I was swimming and trying to reach my best friend on the phone, who was out of town. I left a message not to worry, she wouldn't miss anything because I was feeling no contractions and thought I'd be another week. Boy was I wrong.
I went into to get checked the next morning (Oct. 3, 2006) and I was 4, almost 5 cm dialated. My midwife told me she could send me over to the hospital immediately to break my water so we could have the baby. I just looked at her..."I can't! I have too much to do today!" LOL!!!! She said the next day would be just as good. I like to say that October 3rd is Jordan's almost birthday.
Josh came home from work early and I stopped by my mom's work on my way home. A phone call to tell your mother you are going to have your first baby...well, it just didn't feel like it would communicate my excitement and fear. Josh and I spent our evening getting ready for the coming days. We took Zoe to the breeders for boarding. We stopped at the store to stock up on paper products so no one would have to do dishes. We did a couple loads of laundry and cuddled while watching movies. I even got a nap in.
The next morning (Oct. 4, 2006), we got checked in a Morton Plant and by 8:30 am, Donna, my midwife, had broken my water and we were under way. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING!...could ever prepare me for how painful labor was. Jordan was sunnyside up which caused incredible back labor. But as painful as each contraction was, I was terrified of the epidural.
I remember begging for relief when I hit transition. Minute long contractions that were 30 seconds apart. They gave me a shot of stadol to help me rest between contractions. It slowed things down long enough for me to focus on pushing.
At 4:20pm, I helped delivery Jordan Danielle Parker into this world. I remember the first think I thought was, "Oh! It's Josh!" Jordan was her father's spitting image from moment one...except for her nose which is straight off my own face. After we knew she was perfect and healthy, I was able to realize what I was feeling. There is a euphoria connected to giving birth. I felt like I could do anything...accomplish to most difficult feats. Although this feeling comes and goes...I often try to recapture it at my weakest moments.
Jordan is amazing. She is inquisitive, creative, sensitive. I truly cannot wait to see who she becomes. Any hope or dream I may have for her will pale with what she will actually accomplish.
This morning, October 4, 2010, I woke up my oldest daughter by stroking my hand along her heart shaped face. She slowly opened her eyes. "Jordan, today...you are four. Starting right now." She smiled the biggest of smiles up at my and put her hand on my cheek, "Really Mommy? Really I'm four?" It has come so fast and has been an amazing ride. I can't wait to see what happens next!
The day before I went in to get checked for the final time (Oct. 2, 2006), I was swimming and trying to reach my best friend on the phone, who was out of town. I left a message not to worry, she wouldn't miss anything because I was feeling no contractions and thought I'd be another week. Boy was I wrong.
I went into to get checked the next morning (Oct. 3, 2006) and I was 4, almost 5 cm dialated. My midwife told me she could send me over to the hospital immediately to break my water so we could have the baby. I just looked at her..."I can't! I have too much to do today!" LOL!!!! She said the next day would be just as good. I like to say that October 3rd is Jordan's almost birthday.
Josh came home from work early and I stopped by my mom's work on my way home. A phone call to tell your mother you are going to have your first baby...well, it just didn't feel like it would communicate my excitement and fear. Josh and I spent our evening getting ready for the coming days. We took Zoe to the breeders for boarding. We stopped at the store to stock up on paper products so no one would have to do dishes. We did a couple loads of laundry and cuddled while watching movies. I even got a nap in.
The next morning (Oct. 4, 2006), we got checked in a Morton Plant and by 8:30 am, Donna, my midwife, had broken my water and we were under way. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING!...could ever prepare me for how painful labor was. Jordan was sunnyside up which caused incredible back labor. But as painful as each contraction was, I was terrified of the epidural.
I remember begging for relief when I hit transition. Minute long contractions that were 30 seconds apart. They gave me a shot of stadol to help me rest between contractions. It slowed things down long enough for me to focus on pushing.
At 4:20pm, I helped delivery Jordan Danielle Parker into this world. I remember the first think I thought was, "Oh! It's Josh!" Jordan was her father's spitting image from moment one...except for her nose which is straight off my own face. After we knew she was perfect and healthy, I was able to realize what I was feeling. There is a euphoria connected to giving birth. I felt like I could do anything...accomplish to most difficult feats. Although this feeling comes and goes...I often try to recapture it at my weakest moments.
Jordan is amazing. She is inquisitive, creative, sensitive. I truly cannot wait to see who she becomes. Any hope or dream I may have for her will pale with what she will actually accomplish.
This morning, October 4, 2010, I woke up my oldest daughter by stroking my hand along her heart shaped face. She slowly opened her eyes. "Jordan, today...you are four. Starting right now." She smiled the biggest of smiles up at my and put her hand on my cheek, "Really Mommy? Really I'm four?" It has come so fast and has been an amazing ride. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
First Swimming Class for Jordy
She was very hesitant. She told the male teacher, Phil, that she was just going to stay on the deep step (which is the pvc pipe steps leading into the shallow end of the pool). He was able to coax her to sit on the ledge with the rest of her class. They taught them how to get in and out safely first. She did not want to do this either but the female teacher, Jasmine, was very animated. Jasmine did it a few times, then had Jordan do it a few times with her hands lightly around her middle, then Jordan was able to do it herself. She held onto the edge to kick like the other kids who had obviously been taking lessons previously. They used a kick board with assistance. She didn't want to do that either but after being held once my Jasmine and seeing the other kids, she bravely tried it and smiled the whole time. Then they each got to throw a floating pool toy out in the middle and the swim teachers held them around the middle so the kids could paddle and kick to get it. At the end they got to jump in. Jordan didn't want to. It was clear she thought they meant she was just going to jump in alone. Once she saw the teachers keep their hands, she did it and told me that was her favorite part. She can't wait to go back next weekend! Me either!
Jordan is the second one from the right in the pink bathing suit.Kick baby Kick!
Emily, on the other had, has been a little miserable. I took both girls in yesterday morning to the doctors. Can I just say how wonderful it is to have a pediatrician who does sick visits on the weekends?! I love Myrtle Pediatrics! Jordan has a regular old cold that is on the outs and Emily has a full on sinus infection! She is supposed to take medicine for 10 days, 2x's a day, 1 1/4 tsp. She has NEVER taken medicine well. She sputters, coughs, thrashes, pushes, screams. I've tried wrapping her in a blanket, blowing in her face, coating the dispenser in sugar, mixing it in yogurt...it's a battle everytime and I have no idea how much she is actually getting.
Despite the sniffles, we took the girls to the part and to Cici's just to get them out of the house. We were all getting a little stir crazy yesterday. Here is a link to the pictures from that outing.
http://s64.photobucket.com/albums/h186/mrshparker/Family%20Outings/?action=postupload
Jordan and Emily had a blast! Emily explored freely and with reckless abandon, testing her climbing abilities. Her favorite has always been the swings. She let Daddy swing her for a very long time and nearly fell asleep. Jordan said her favorite part was the colorful slide because it was pretty, tall, and fast. I thought it was extremely impressive that she climbed the web by herself. She was extremely proud of herself and so were we.
Emily, on the other had, has been a little miserable. I took both girls in yesterday morning to the doctors. Can I just say how wonderful it is to have a pediatrician who does sick visits on the weekends?! I love Myrtle Pediatrics! Jordan has a regular old cold that is on the outs and Emily has a full on sinus infection! She is supposed to take medicine for 10 days, 2x's a day, 1 1/4 tsp. She has NEVER taken medicine well. She sputters, coughs, thrashes, pushes, screams. I've tried wrapping her in a blanket, blowing in her face, coating the dispenser in sugar, mixing it in yogurt...it's a battle everytime and I have no idea how much she is actually getting.
Despite the sniffles, we took the girls to the part and to Cici's just to get them out of the house. We were all getting a little stir crazy yesterday. Here is a link to the pictures from that outing.
http://s64.photobucket.com/albums/h186/mrshparker/Family%20Outings/?action=postupload
Jordan and Emily had a blast! Emily explored freely and with reckless abandon, testing her climbing abilities. Her favorite has always been the swings. She let Daddy swing her for a very long time and nearly fell asleep. Jordan said her favorite part was the colorful slide because it was pretty, tall, and fast. I thought it was extremely impressive that she climbed the web by herself. She was extremely proud of herself and so were we.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"I had the worst dream ever..."
The other night, around 4am, I heard someone crying. At first, I thought it was Emily. She'll cry out sometimes then put herself back to sleep so I didn't jump up. I laid there, half sleeping, half pondering the sound. I heard it again, stronger, louder, and more urgent.
"Mooooommmmyyyy!" A soft wail comes from the girls' bedroom. I drag myself up. Jordan is laying on her side with her eyes closed and tears on her cheeks. I bend over her bed, pushing back a few stray strands of hair, "What is it baby?" Her big brown eyes look up at me and they are welled up with tears immediately.
" I had the worse dream every, Mommy!" She cries pitifully to me. I have to wonder...what is the worst dream ever for a four year old. Then she tells me and my heart breaks, "You were gone Mommy. You were gone forever." And she starts crying again. I pick her up and nuzzle her. I try to reassure her that Mommy is fine, I'm right here, everything is okay. She's still queitly crying so I sing her favorite lullabye which immediately calms her.
I walk with her to my room and we snuggle in the sheet. Our legs all mixed up and my arms wrapped around her and her head buried in my chest. Is it wrong to cherish a moment like this when she is scared and worried. We stayed that way and we slept until around 6am.
The next morning, while getting dressed, I asked her some more questions. "Do you remember your bad dream from last night?" "Yes, you went away." "Where did I go Jordan?" "To heaven." She seems to have a natural curiousity about death recently. I'm not quite sure where this is coming from but she seems worried about it.
Today, I found out a family friend is losing her battle with cancer. She will be leaving behind two beautiful sons and a husband. Her younger son is a student at my school. I think about how real Jordan's dream seemed to her and how scared she was. I think about this little boy and how big and real his fear is becoming. I cry for this family and pray for their strength to get through this difficult time.
I am sad for this little boy who wont have his mom to comfort his fear, reassure his worries, and advocate for his needs any longer. As someone who has lost a parent, I know the reality of how long this hurt will remain with him and how it will sharp a part of who he will become...and my heart weeps for him. As a mom, I just want to draw him in and protect his heart.
Please, if you read this, Pray for the Hall family. For Michael, Joel, and Nick. And for Jen Mama. That she is freed from pain and reassured that her family, friends, and community will always love and cherish her angels.
"Mooooommmmyyyy!" A soft wail comes from the girls' bedroom. I drag myself up. Jordan is laying on her side with her eyes closed and tears on her cheeks. I bend over her bed, pushing back a few stray strands of hair, "What is it baby?" Her big brown eyes look up at me and they are welled up with tears immediately.
" I had the worse dream every, Mommy!" She cries pitifully to me. I have to wonder...what is the worst dream ever for a four year old. Then she tells me and my heart breaks, "You were gone Mommy. You were gone forever." And she starts crying again. I pick her up and nuzzle her. I try to reassure her that Mommy is fine, I'm right here, everything is okay. She's still queitly crying so I sing her favorite lullabye which immediately calms her.
I walk with her to my room and we snuggle in the sheet. Our legs all mixed up and my arms wrapped around her and her head buried in my chest. Is it wrong to cherish a moment like this when she is scared and worried. We stayed that way and we slept until around 6am.
The next morning, while getting dressed, I asked her some more questions. "Do you remember your bad dream from last night?" "Yes, you went away." "Where did I go Jordan?" "To heaven." She seems to have a natural curiousity about death recently. I'm not quite sure where this is coming from but she seems worried about it.
Today, I found out a family friend is losing her battle with cancer. She will be leaving behind two beautiful sons and a husband. Her younger son is a student at my school. I think about how real Jordan's dream seemed to her and how scared she was. I think about this little boy and how big and real his fear is becoming. I cry for this family and pray for their strength to get through this difficult time.
I am sad for this little boy who wont have his mom to comfort his fear, reassure his worries, and advocate for his needs any longer. As someone who has lost a parent, I know the reality of how long this hurt will remain with him and how it will sharp a part of who he will become...and my heart weeps for him. As a mom, I just want to draw him in and protect his heart.
Please, if you read this, Pray for the Hall family. For Michael, Joel, and Nick. And for Jen Mama. That she is freed from pain and reassured that her family, friends, and community will always love and cherish her angels.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sick Girls
The girls are sick! Poo-ey! Emily has a wet cough, no fever. Jordan has a super running nose, cough, and water eyes, no fever. I hate it when they are that in between sick. Not sick enough for the doctor, but sick enough to keep them from doing some of their regularly scheduled activities.
We kept Jordan home...or should I say Nini kept her home...from school today. She was not pleased with this but I'm sure we would've gonna a call to come get her. Plus, I hate it when parents sent their kids to school so sick they can't even function normally. It's inconsiderate to the teacher and kids. I told her if she rested well, drank lots of water, and took her cough medicine like a big girls, she MIGHT be well enough for school on Friday. I'm just hoping she's well enough for swim lessons, which start on Saturday. Oh crud! I just remembered she has dance tomorrow...maybe we'll keep her home from that too. Hate to get the other ballerina's sick.
I can't believe how much Emily is talking now. When I got home I set Em up in her highchair with some fruit snacks so I could fold the laundry. She says, "Mom? Look. Shirt?" I take this to mean, "Hey Mom, what are you doing to that shirt?". So I answer, "Yup, this is Mommy's shirt. I'm folding it to put it away." To which she answers, "Mom? Look. Shirt?". Broken record but I love it.
I tend to eat after the girls have had their supper so that I can eat while my food is still hot. I was eating my pizza and drinking my diet coke in the living room. Emily walks up and reaches out for my drink. "I...?" (which means ice). "Yes, you can have some ice." I start to reach in my cup to retrieve an ice cube and she starts shaking her head back and forth. "Don't you want ice?" She continues and reaches to grab the cup for herself. "No Em. Mommy will hold it." I watch as her face crumbles, her fists ball up angerily, she stomps a few feet away. She stands with her feet spread apart firmly, her arms straightened at her sides, fists clenched. She lets her head fall back and lets out a long discontented moan; mouth wide open, eyes sqeezed just....crocodile tears.
Oh man...that's pitiful, I thought to myself. She then stomped over to the child sized arm chair and plopped down to pout. She sat over there with her little bulldog lip sticking out for a while staring me down as I drank from my cup. After a few seconds, she came back over and said, "Sip, please." While signing please. I guess the drink was worth her dropping the 'tude.
We kept Jordan home...or should I say Nini kept her home...from school today. She was not pleased with this but I'm sure we would've gonna a call to come get her. Plus, I hate it when parents sent their kids to school so sick they can't even function normally. It's inconsiderate to the teacher and kids. I told her if she rested well, drank lots of water, and took her cough medicine like a big girls, she MIGHT be well enough for school on Friday. I'm just hoping she's well enough for swim lessons, which start on Saturday. Oh crud! I just remembered she has dance tomorrow...maybe we'll keep her home from that too. Hate to get the other ballerina's sick.
I can't believe how much Emily is talking now. When I got home I set Em up in her highchair with some fruit snacks so I could fold the laundry. She says, "Mom? Look. Shirt?" I take this to mean, "Hey Mom, what are you doing to that shirt?". So I answer, "Yup, this is Mommy's shirt. I'm folding it to put it away." To which she answers, "Mom? Look. Shirt?". Broken record but I love it.
I tend to eat after the girls have had their supper so that I can eat while my food is still hot. I was eating my pizza and drinking my diet coke in the living room. Emily walks up and reaches out for my drink. "I...?" (which means ice). "Yes, you can have some ice." I start to reach in my cup to retrieve an ice cube and she starts shaking her head back and forth. "Don't you want ice?" She continues and reaches to grab the cup for herself. "No Em. Mommy will hold it." I watch as her face crumbles, her fists ball up angerily, she stomps a few feet away. She stands with her feet spread apart firmly, her arms straightened at her sides, fists clenched. She lets her head fall back and lets out a long discontented moan; mouth wide open, eyes sqeezed just....crocodile tears.
Oh man...that's pitiful, I thought to myself. She then stomped over to the child sized arm chair and plopped down to pout. She sat over there with her little bulldog lip sticking out for a while staring me down as I drank from my cup. After a few seconds, she came back over and said, "Sip, please." While signing please. I guess the drink was worth her dropping the 'tude.
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