Dog Days of Summer?

When I think about the phrase, 'The dog days of summer', I think of running around playing manhunt right after sunset.  I think of trips to Ohio and catching fire flies.  I think of swimming all day long and falling asleep, exhausted, in my swim suit.  I think of building friends and dreaming big.

And where have all those days gone?  Most days this summer, I spend about 4-5 hours total on the computer doing my coursework.  I try to do a little housework each day but I hate housework so I come up with some pretty lame excuses not to get it done. 

I had such big hopes about this summer.  I really wanted to build some great memories with my girls.  But I keep getting swallowed up by my work.  I think I may be a workaholic.  I crave the stimulation it brings me.  I love studying teaching and my craft.  I love talking about.  I feel like its work worth doing.

Then I feel immensely guilty because this is summer.  I spend all year on school stuff and I get all this extra time with my kids.  I tip my hat off to all stay at home parents, grandparents, and caregivers.  You all live lives of great meaning and dedication. 

I find I have a short fuse with my oldest daughter.  I see myself in her so very much and struggle to find a way to communicate that doesn't aggrivate both of us.  Add to her emotional reactions to everything, Josh's cool sense of reason and logic, and you get one smart intuitive child.  I remember my mom having a book on her shelf, 'Raising a Willful Child'.  Before I even knew what willful meant I had a feeling that book was about me.  I felt that I was so very different from my siblings.  She also had a book about middle children.  I must have kept her up nights with my antics and tantrums.

But how do I reach her?  How do I communicate that sometimes Mommys have to be the ones to choose what happens next.  As much as I always want her to have choices in her life...the reality is that she will not always be allowed to chose what comes next.  I try.  I tell her she can pick up her legos or her art supplies first.  She tells me that she shouldn't have to pick them up since they will just be on the floor later.  Better to leave them there. 

I'm frustrated.  I need a stronger backbone.  We've been using time outs more and more.  I am still using poisitive reinforcement but she is so darn moody.  At least she's cute....

Dance Recital head shot:



I love my sissy!




What kinda face is that Jord?




Ice Cream Monster!



The Journey

Josh and I at my brother's wedding
June 2001

I use an app called Lose It.  I went on their forums today and looked through the before and after pics.  It got me thinking about what I have been through the last 10 years.  When Josh and I first got together I weighted about 145lbs.  I was 19.  I was still working towards my AA degree and I had just started a desk job.  That's when I started gaining.

Within the first year of my job, my weight climbed to 170lbs.  I didn't feel like it was a huge deal since I was in a committed relationship and he didn't seem to mind a few extra pounds (how I thought 15lbs was a little bit of weight is beyond me).  I ate what I wanted when I wanted because I always had.

The next five years were tumultous.  I was very motivated to getting my teaching degree.  Josh and I were engaged.  It was all so very stressful.  When we set our wedding date for August of 2005 and I bought a dress.  I knew it was time to slim back down.  I used the gym at my work and cut out carbs, ate smaller, more frequent meals.  At the time of my wedding, I was back down to 155lbs. 



On our wedding day 08-05 in Jamaica.

 Our wedding was so beautiful.  We kinda eloped to Ocho Rios, Jamaica.  A honeymoon was really important to both of us and we knew we couldn't afford a traditional wedding AND take a honeymoon.  I remember feeling fantastic and beautiful and so very happy. 

Over the next few months, I was taking 3 classes and putting in a lot of hours as a preservice teacher.  I had quite my job at the Sheriff's Office so I could complete my bachelor's degree.  I couldn't believe how supportive Josh was to my goals and dreams.  By that Decemeber we had decided that we would stop using birth control and just let nature takes its course.  I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), which we beleived would prevent us from getting pregnant unaided.  So we really didn't think I'd become pregnant very quickly.

During our priliminary bloodwork at a fertility doctor's, we found out we were going to have our first baby.  We were excited and scared.  I was in my internship, teaching everyday right on through the morning sickness.  We prepared the best we could.  We took a class on birthing.  I took classes on breastfeeding.  I read anything I could get my hands on.  I exercised almost everyday in the pool and only gained 25lbs.  When I look back at that time, it has a rosey hue to it.  I was very in tune with my body and felt like I knew Jordan before she even arrived.  I wont go into the full details of her birth. 



Jordan and I on an outing in Orlando,
March or April of 2007.

 After I had Jordan, the new school year had already begun.  I became a sub for that school year and I stayed at a very sluggish 168lbs.  I loved being home most of the time with Jordan.  I wore her everywhere and I was truly very happy.  We had many outtings and I was very busy.  Again, I didn't think my weight was that big a deal.  I was pretty active if not exercising.  I ate what I wanted.  I didn't consider myself overweight.  I had just had a baby for crying out loud!  I was breastfeeding so I justified any extra calories I might be eating as necessary.

That fall, I HAD to find a regular teaching job.  However, no was hiring.  I finally found a long term sub job but after 90 days, it became a temporary contract position.  I was so excited...and stressed out.  I ate a lot of junk.  I ate school lunch or ate out everyday.  Josh and I were eating pizza or take out most evenings since I was staying so late at school to create lessons.  I was not exercising much. And we both noticed by Christmas how tired, sluggish, and unhealthy we felt.  We joing the YMCA.  ONe of my friends from school wanted to meet up to exercise together so that was great.  For a while we would meet up and I began to watch what I was eating.  Josh and I were taking a water tai chai.  I got back down to 160lbs. I was really looking forward to the next school year.  Josh and I bought our first house.  Jordan was growing really fast.  Everything was great.  I was happy.  Noticing a pattern yet?



December 2008: pregnant with Emily Mae



May 2008: I'm pregnant here but didn't know it yet.



      In April of 2008, I found out that several schools in my distric were closing and I wasn't going to be able to stay on at my school.  I was devestated.  I had made some really great friends.  But more importantly, I had just bought a house and I was OUT OF A JOB!  It was beyond stressful.  Then in June...SURPRISE...I found out I was pregnant with our second child.  

I worked at the summer writer's camp where I met Lori Gaudreau...whom I beleive God put into my life for many reasons.  She adviced me to go to the Pinellas County job fair after I told her I didn't think I should (I didn't tell anyone related to school that I was pregnant).  I followed her advice and got an interview with the principal at Ponce de Leon Elementary.  I found out within days that I had gotten the job to teach fourth grade...ON LORI'S TEAM!  I was so releived and excited!

After I had Emily...I was very unmotivated.  She was a big baby (9lbs 4oz) and I had trouble with her shoulders which caused a long recovery for my pelvic bone.  It hurt to get up and down or move around to fast.  But I was back at work within 5 weeks.  But I ate like I was still pregnant...again justifying those calories because I was breastfeeding.  What a mistake! I was back up to 180lbs.  

August 2009: Em is 7 months and Jordan is almost 3.

In August of 2009, I went to Ohio for my cousin, Emily's wedding.  I got my hair done.  I bought the girls matching dresses.  I tried to eat right and started exercising a little since I was going to be going up in front of everyong to read a passage. 

But, I didn't lose hardly any weight.  This is when I started using the Lose It app but I was really just starting to figure the science behind losing weight out.

As you can see, I found a dress to wear...after much searching (remember that nightmare Mom?) and I loved it.  I had to wear all kinds of suck-it-in wear underneath b\ut it was a great dress...one that I love to wear these days.  BTW...aren't those girls too cute?!!?!!?

The picture that really kicked
me into high gear.

Anyway, the next school year, I didn't pay much attention to my weight at all.  But I started to feel like I really needed to do something serious about it.  I suddenly hated shopping.  Nothing fit right.  I was really out of shape trying to keep up with the kids.  In January of 2010, I started working on my masters degree through UF.  I was beyong stressed.  2010 was also the year of our five year wedding anniversary.  Josh and I decided to do it big and book a cruise.  This was just the motivation I needed!  I was boung and determined to look amazing on our cruise and buy new clothes and fit into a bikini that I wasn't ashamed to wear.



Didn't buy this one but it shows off my shape.



I started using the Lose It app to track my calories, and set goals.  I reported my progress daily on Facebook to keep up a level of accountability.  I was so encouraged by all my friends and family who were cheering me on.  It was an unexpected gift along this journal.  When it came time to buy a bikini and new clothes for the cruise...I was 160lbs and felt really fit and active.  I had lost 20 lbs in about 12 weeks! 

I had such a blast trying on clothes that really fit me!  And I couldn't beleive it when I finally found a bikini that I was proud to wear to the beach.  I felt incredible.  My classes were going well and we were going on our first real vacation together since our wedding. 



August 2005: Atlantis, Bahamas (that's my bikini!)



On the trip, we didn't worry about calories or exercise or anything for that matter.  We just enjoyed each other's company.  We went to Atlantis in the Bahamas for a day, say stand up comics, drank, and ate the most amazing food I had ever eaten!  I think Josh and I fell in love all over again on that trip.  We planned future travels and relaxed.  I saw the Milky Way for the first time.  It made me feel so small and so connected all at the same time.  Truly inspirational.



During the next schoo year, I fell out of the habit of exercising regularly and my diet really suffered.  I slowly crept all the way back up to 175lbs.  I was tired and sluggish again.  We became couch potatoes.  I was very stressed out with the level of difficulty my course work had taken...AND I was teaching fifth grade on a new team.  I ate out a lot again or bought school lunch.  Then we signed Jordan up for soccer.  Watching her struggle to keep up with the other kids was a real eye opener.  Josh and I realized that our sedentary lifestyle was a learned behavior that we were passing on to our kids.  That snapped us into high gear pretty quickly.

Josh got super dedicated and his dedication to fitness and health was infectious.  For the past four months, Josh and I have weighted in daily on our Wii to help keep us focused.  We plan all our meals ahead of time so we always know what we are going to eat.  We make sure we get the girls out and playing.  We go to the gym 5-7 times a week depending on our schedules.  Josh has lost 67lbs in the last four months! He is my inspiration and my heart.



Excuse my messy room...155lbs!!!!



I am currently back down to 155lbs!!!  My goal is 145lbs.  Once there I will assess my BMI to figure out if I should go lower or not.   I took these two pictures today.  Front and side view.  I tried on a couple of dresses last week just to see what size I am.  A size 12 dress is too big in the best but fits only slightly snug in the belly...but a size 14 is just way too big.  I'm very excited and hope that within the next few months I will be able to lose the last 10lbs and be in a size 10!

That belly is almost gone!

If you made this far into my blog post...thanks for your support.  Writing all this down was an exercise in relflecting on where I have been in the last 10 years.  It has been a yo yo.  Recognzing my tendency to stress eat is huge.  I know that when I am stressed out, I need to take a step away from the fridge and go for a walk instead.

After writing this post, I was super motivated.  I went to the mall today and tried on a couple more dresses.  Here is what I found:





This one is different from the one below.  I liked this one more.



Focus

Usually, in the summer months, I am guilty of losing my focus.  Last summer, I worked hard not to and I lost 20lbs.  It felt great.  I felt empowered.  Who knew I had self-control and will power when it came to food?  I also kicked butt in my UF coursework.

Over the school year, I know I am a workaholic.  I love my job.  I loved school when I was a child.  I felt like I was good at going to school.  I enjoyed being around my classmates (the competition, the relationships), I LOVED my teachers.  They were heroes to me in my eyes.  I felt an acceptance there.  I felt seen and heard.  Maybe that's part of th reason I became a teacher.  I love the atmosphere at schools where I am seen and heard, and valued as a contributing member of that community.  My school is like that for me.  At any rate, during the year, I am extremely focused on my curriculum, instrustruction, and my students.  But not really myself.

So summer is here.  I am enrolled in three classes (Teacher Leadership, Designing Techonology Rich Curricula, and SmartBoard training).  I did not take a job this summer so that I could focus.  I really started focusing on my health three months ago, as Josh has turned his lifestyle around.  I've lost 9lbs since then.  I am currently the weight I was on my wedding day!  That feels incredible.  When is crazy is that because of the weight and strength training I have been doing...I love better that I did on my wedding day!  I have about 13lbs left to go and I'm not in a hurry.

How am I doing it?  Focus.  I focus in on my calories and making sure I have a deficit each day.  I zigzag my calories. Monday I try to get in 1600 and on Tuesday 1300.  I have 3 solid meals and a couple of healthy snacks through the day.  I always make sure I have some kind of fruit right after I exercise.  My favorites are a banana or watermelon. 

In the past three months I excersized 5 days a week, alternating between long cardio days and weight/strength training.  Now that I have all day, I plan to go to the gym 6 days a week.  I will go for an hour each morning to do my cardio.  And I will go in the afternoons to do my weight/strength training.  There are a few classes that I'm addicted to so I switch up the scedule a little.  I do a power scult class on Monday evenings and Zumba on Friday evenings.  I tried the kickboxing class and I will probably return to that one this week but it definitly kicked my butt!

I feel great.  I have more energy.  Which I think will translate to my classes.  I hope!

Summer Starts!

Summer has officially started at my house.  I turned in my classroom keys Friday morning.  I am beyond grateful that my mother-in-law, Linda, is such a caring and supportive force in my family's lives.  She took the girls all day so that Josh (who just happened to work so much this week they gave him Friday off too), and I could go to the movies.  Of course, we are total movies snobs and can't just go to see one movie.  We saw 3!!!

First we saw X-men: First Class.  It was okay.  The stuff between Professor X and Magneto was great.  The actors did a compelling job of communicating that these two men were like brothers but they simply could not agree.  There wasn't nearly enough action for my tastes...also I like the laster hereos a little more...the first class was a little lack luster for me. 

The second movie, we saw was Pirates.  It was the fourth in a chain of movies.  It just wasn't the same without Kiera Knightly and Orlanda Bloom.  Johnny was Johnny.  Again, the parts I like most were between Barbosa and Jack Sparrow (two male leads).  Black Beard wasn't nearly as menacing away from his ship.  Penelope Cruz was annoying.  It was entertaining but not as good as it's predecessors.  The third movie we saw was Super 8, which I was only willing to see because Josh wanted to see it so badly.  I really enjoyed it.  It felt, to me, like a kick back to Close Encounters, ET, Goonies.  Those 80's action adventures but with today's technological enhancements.  I enjoyed it a lot.  The kids in it were great!

The girls enjoyed their day as well.  They got to go to a splash park, Chick-fil-a, and movies at their Nini's.  They had a blast without us.

Saturday was chill day.  Jordan had her first T-ball game.  She was AH-MAZE-ING!  She likes it so much more than soccer.  I think because everyone takes turns to bat, and there is a clear path for her to run bases.  She enjoys trying to catch the ball with her very sport black and pink glove, and doesn't seem to mind the pile up for the ball that these 4 years olds tend to do.  Her  best friend (boyfriend?) from school, Trevor, plays on another team but she if very excited to be able to see him every week.  She misses him and dress up days the most about school.  Vicki and Mike, Josh's aunt and uncle, came for the end of the game so we went out to lunch with them.  We took turns take naps the rest of the night.

Emily is a full grown two year old, mood swings and all!  I am realizing how different these children are.  When Emily gets an idea of something she wants to do in her head...there is no reasoning with her, there is no bargaining, bribing, or repremanding.  The only thing that seems to work...Mom you are totally going to love this...is reverse psychology!  The minutes I tell her she can't give me something, she hands it to me.  If I tell her there is no way she can be quiet, she hushes up.  It's kind of hilarious when I'm not getting frustrated with it.  Jordan is a negotiator, a charmer, and a pleaser. 

These are wonderful and challenging times!

Un-friggan'-beliebable!

What is it about a blank wall and kids?  When I come home in the afternoons I usually watch a show off the DVR while the kids play in the play room.  This lets me unwind and the girls get time to re-aclimate to being at home. Usually it works out great.  The girls play dress up together, build something with their legos, or play with their train set.  Not today.

Once Josh got home we all began doing our evening chores.  Jordan's job is to return all shoes to the shoe basket by the front door and return all her large toys to the toy box in the playroom.  I set up a trashbag and hand Emily trash to throw away.  I get all the smaller toys that the girls miss.  Josh usually makes dinner during this time.  While cleaning the back room this is what I found!

You can clearly see that she is getting good at the J and O of her name.  There is the beginnings of a R and D.  She likes writing E's since they are just straight lines. 

I'm thinking we should paint one wall with that chalk paint.

I actually felt a moment of pride when I saw that she had signed her "name" to her work.  I got down face to face with her and held her hands.

Mommy: "Jordan, did you know that it was wrong to draw on the walls."
Jordan: Big sigh. "Yes."
Mommy: "Why did you do it?"
Jordan: "Emily and I thought it would be colorful."
Mommy: "That doesn't make it okay.  If you feel that something is wrong and you might get into trouble...then you need to choose NOT to do it."
Jordan: "Okay."
Mommy: "Do you know what has to happen now?"
Jordan: "Yes.  You're going to throw my princess castle in the trash."
Mommy: "No.  Since you can't make good choices with your markers and crayons, then I have to take them away for a while."
Jordan: "Okay.  I understand."

I was more upset that she chose to do something even when she admittadly knew it was wrong than the coloring. 

Oh these little girls!

Emily Turns Two

Two years ago today, I delivered my second daughter into this world.  I read back over my description of Jordan's birth from her birthday entry.  I discovered that I look back at Jordan's birth with rose colored classes.

There is a huge difference from baby one to baby two.  There is the knowledge of what is to come and what you are capable of.  Emily was unplanned.  I had just found out that I didn't have a teaching job for the following school year and we had just bought our first house.  We had planned on waiting another year to get pregnant again.  Oops!  I spent most of my pregnancy adjusting to the idea that things were not going according to plan (This was hard for me to accept). 

I was very miserable at the end of my pregnancy.  I felt HUGE and tired since I was teaching as long as I could.  At my 38 week appointment my midwife told me that I was about 2cm dilated.  I had really felt a lot of contractions the last few days and I had really believed she was going to tell me that I was 4-5cm and we should have her!  I was upset I wasn't further along but I still had two week left.

At my 39 week appointment, I didn't see my midwife.  I had to see the doctor (who is nice enough but I prefer my midwife, Donna).  He told me I wasn't dilated at all and it would be another week.  I was beyond upset.  I had been having contractions a lot over the previous two days and really thought that I was in early labor.  I started crying immediately.  I was 39 weeks when I had Jordan...why not the same with Emily?  I called Josh and was so upset.  I went home and went to bed to calm myself down.

Two days later, my midwife called.  She said she had read the doctor's report and thought it was very strange that I had gone from 2cm to 0cm.  She asked if I was having contractions and how I was feeling.  I told her I had been having contractions but there weren't regular.  I'd get them about seven minutes apart for an hour and then nothing.  She told me to call in the morning, I could come in and get checked.  I informed work that I would probably be having the baby the next day (Jan. 23), and wouldn't be in.

After getting checked, Donna could see that I was tired and ready to have the baby.  She told me my only options were to wait until I was further dilated on my own or go to the hospital and start pitocin.  Even though I knew pitocin could make my labor more intense...I just wanted to have Emily in my arms.  I agreed to be admitted. 

I picked up Jordan.  I dropped Jordan at Uncle Jerry and Aunt Jenna's for the day.  I went home, got my back and Josh, and he drove us to the hospital.  We got checked in and our very wonderful nurse got me hooked up to the pitocin drip.  This was so different from Jordan.  I started labor with no water to cushon the contractions.  This time I wasn't dilated enough for them to break my water so I labored with it.

It was slow to start but I was able to really manage my pain.  With Jordan I had a mental picture of Jordan and focused on it during the pain.  I couldn't seem to picture Emily so I focused on images that calmed me.  Waterfalls, Josh's eyes, Jordan's sleeping face, etc.  Since my mom couldn't be here, I asked Dani to be there.  I knew she would yell at me if I needed it.  Josh's mom, Linda, was my "doula" making sure I was comfortable and encouraging me.  And Josh was up my head and encouraging me the whole time.

It was 6pm before they could break my water.  That was more painful than the contractions.  I wont share the gorey details of why.  After that I moved very quickly.  Transition was just as fun as I had remembered.  One minute contractions, 30 seconds apart but this time I knew what to expect and didn't need the stadol! (BTW...no epidural!)  Donna checked me and started yelling, "Triage!"  Suddenly they turned on the lights, broke down the end of the bed.  Please were in their gowns and I knew I was close.

During the pushing, I felt great.  I knew it would all be over soon and everyone was doing great keeping me focused.  Then Donna said, "Stop pushing!  Do not push!"  I said, "Yeah, right." but did my best.  Donna explained Emily was kinda large, and her should was stuck.  Donna turned her gently.  I reached down and helped deliver my sweet baby girl!

With Jordan, I saw her face and it was instant recognition.  With Emily, I was in awe.  She was so different from Jord.  She was more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.  I felt a rush of guilt and shame for not having wanted to be pregnant.  I panicked when they took her to check her out.  I remember yelling at Josh to stay with her.  I was laughing and crying. Donna kept telling me to breath and calm down.  She ordered stadol to help calm me down.  I'm so glad she did.  I was able to rest immediately.

Emily Mae was perfect except for some bruising on her face from being sunny side up and being crammed in the birthing canal for so long.  She was 9 pounds 4 oz and about 21 3/4 inches long.  She had tons of dark brown hair.  The next few days in the hospital were so different from with Jordan.  Josh went home at night to keep Jordan's routine as normal as possible and I was alone with Emily.  I needed the nurses help because Emily was taking a little longer to learn to nurse than Jordan.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't wait to be at home.

The past two years have been so fast.  She's no longer my little baby girl.  She is a toddler.  She is artistic, linguistic, a tinkerer, and very industrious.  She is a cuddler, a good eater, and has a great sense of humor.  She looks so much like I did.  I can't imagine my life without her.  I've gotten over the guilt.  She has been the best "mistake" I have ever made! 

Here's a slide show of her birth day!
Emily's First Day Slideshow

Potty Time

Emily sat on the potty last night!  She has been very interested in the potty when Jordan is on it.  She tries to get in there and see what it's all about.  She has started to make it her job to make sure the seat is down at all times, which beats a month ago when she thought it was her job to throw things in the toilet. 

I have Jordan's old froggy potty placed in the hallway for emergencies and in case Emily gets interested.  She helped to take her pants and shirt off.  I took off her diaper and she was pleased as punch to plop onto the potty.  She sat there and rubbed her belly and played clapping games.  She sang twinkle twinkle.

She kept getting up to get toilet paper and pretending to wipe.  She sat for about 20 minutes but didn't got.  I am stuck between being excited that she is starting to feel ready and sad at her growing up.  She is my last baby.  She's no longer a baby really. She is well into toddlerdum. 

I don't really have any quirky anecdotes for Jordan tonight.  She has been very sweet and helpful but we're dealing with some sneakiness and not following directions.  She is just so motivated by establishing her unique self.  Everything is, "No, I'll do it." or "I want it to happen this way!".  Despite giving choices, time outs, and good old fashioned talking to's, we are making some progress but it's slow and frustrating.

I think my mom gets a kick out my interactions with Jordan.  She is so much like how I was when I was little.  It's all karma coming back around to kick me in the butt!