Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Power Struggles

I'm convinced that Jordan and I are destined to butt heads!  We both are strong willed and hard headed.  I want things done my way and she wants things done hers.  It's hard to not get mad when your four year old tells you, "No, I make the rules!" or, "You have to listen to me!" or "I don't care what you say." or "I don't like you anymore Mommy!".  It's hard not to lash out at that. 

I often have to walk away.  Its easy to forget, too, that she is just four years old because of her vocabulary and advanced conversation abilities.  She is, emotionally, just barely four.  She is focused on her autonomy right now, testing her boundaries, and feeling out where she fits in the world.  I pray for patiences and often send up prayers like this: "Please, Lord, give me the right words to say to my little girl to help her see I am trying to help and guide her."

The bedtime routine and getting dressed are the hardest.  Jordan wears ONLY pink clothes.  Although she will wear pants and shorts, she will ONLY wear dresses.  I just want to hand her an outfit in the mornings so we can get dressed and move on with our day.  The bedtime routine has improved greatly since I now say at the start, "One show, one book, one prayer, off to bed."  It's like a mantra and she seems to respond very well to the predicatable routine.

Emily has started to play and seek out structured games.  She enjoys playing hide and seek with Josh and Jordan.  Jordan will hide.  Josh and Emily stay in another room.  I can hear them count together and then yell out, "Here we come!"  Emily's wide grin and hysterical giggle rings through the house and lightens the heart. 

I watch the girls with Josh very closely.  I have realized that my dad passed away shortly after I turned 3.  Every moment that Jordan gets with Josh from here on out are moments I missed out on with my own father.  It is fascinating to watch them enjoy each other; play, laugh, argue, cuddle, and discuss.  So matter how she frustrates me...she is a miracle and she is one lucky duck.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Saddness

A Poem by Heidi Parker 10/12/10
When you know there is no healing, what do you pray for?


Peace, strength, acceptance?

I pray for peace…

     Peace for the hearts that deny there is anything wrong.

     Peace for the hearts that deny a strangers help

     Peace for the hearts that deny comfort to a loved one.

I pray for strength…

     Strength for the caregivers of in the sick

     Strength for the family members that have supported their efforts.

     Strength for the one left behind

I pray for acceptance…

     Acceptance for the stranger

     Acceptance of the hurt

     Acceptance of the final freedom

When distance keeps you from holding the ones who need it

When distance keeps you from your loved ones

When distance hardens your heart

     Who will lend you the comfort you need?



This poem is not related to being a Mom but a hurt I have on my heart right now that I need to let go of.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Proud Mama

A proud mama moment:

We went to the mall this evening so Jordan could pick out a new princess dress for her reward for going to all her swim lessons.  Josh had bought her a Little Mermaid but she didn't like how restricted her legs were.  She ended up choosing Cinderella's wedding dress.

Afterwards, we went to the playground at the mall. After playing for a few minutes Jordan came over to tell us a girl had been pulling on her dress.  We looked over to the little girl, who had Downs and possibly cerebral palsy.  We watched as the little girl pulled on other kids as they were trying to go down the slide.  It was obvious she was trying to play but was having a hard time getting the other kids to play with her.  As we watched some more, we realized the parents were signing with her. 

Josh told Jordan that the little girl was signing so she probably was hard of hearing and didn't know how else to tell her she wanted to play.  Jordan's eyes lit up and she said, "I could sign friend to her!"  She rushed over to sign friend.  The little girl smiled and instantly started signing with Jordan.  The little girl's name was Amanda.  They held hands and wandered around.  Jordan was careful to stay at Amanda's walking pace and reminded her to be gentle when she got rough.  They compared outfits and were signing the colors of their clothes.

What a beautiful gift to see out daughter looking beyond the physical appearance of a girl who was different and find a way to communicate and be friends.  Amanda was upset when they left.  She kept signing friend and home, as if she wanted to take Jordan with her.  The family was very sweet.

Later tonight, as Jordan and I were having our evening cuddle, I asked her what she would like to pray about.  She said, "We could pray for my new friend."  So we did, that Amanda would remain in good health and find more friends that she could communicate with and play with and be happy.

God Bless Little Girls and their generous hearts.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy Fourth Birthday Jordan Danielle

Four years ago today, I met someone who changed my life forever.  I know when I got pregnant for the first time that my bond with this unknown being would be special.  Not only because it would be my first child, but because I wanted her with every breath, every cell, every hope and dream.  And somehow I knew she would be a girl.  We half heartedly picked a back up boy name but I knew we wouldn't need it.

The day before I went in to get checked for the final time (Oct. 2, 2006), I was swimming and trying to reach my best friend on the phone, who was out of town.  I left a message not to worry, she wouldn't miss anything because I was feeling no contractions and thought I'd be another week.  Boy was I wrong. 

 I went into to get checked the next morning (Oct. 3, 2006) and I was 4, almost 5 cm dialated.  My midwife told me she could send me over to the hospital immediately to break my water so we could have the baby.  I just looked at her..."I can't!  I have too much to do today!"  LOL!!!!  She said the next day would be just as good.  I like to say that October 3rd is Jordan's almost birthday.

Josh came home from work early and I stopped by my mom's work on my way home.  A phone call to tell your mother you are going to have your first baby...well, it just didn't feel like it would communicate my excitement and fear.  Josh and I spent our evening getting ready for the coming days.  We took Zoe to the breeders for boarding.  We stopped at the store to stock up on paper products so no one would have to do dishes.  We did a couple loads of laundry and cuddled while watching movies.  I even got a nap in.

The next morning (Oct. 4, 2006), we got checked in a Morton Plant and by 8:30 am, Donna, my midwife, had broken my water and we were under way.  Nothing...and I mean NOTHING!...could ever prepare me for how painful labor was.  Jordan was sunnyside up which caused incredible back labor.  But as painful as each contraction was, I was terrified of the epidural. 

I remember begging for relief when I hit transition. Minute long contractions that were 30 seconds apart.  They gave me a shot of stadol to help me rest between contractions.  It slowed things down long enough for me to focus on pushing.  

At 4:20pm, I helped delivery Jordan Danielle Parker into this world.  I remember the first think I thought was, "Oh! It's Josh!"  Jordan was her father's spitting image from moment one...except for her nose which is straight off my own face.  After we knew she was perfect and healthy, I was able to realize what I was feeling.  There is a euphoria connected to giving birth.  I felt like I could do anything...accomplish to most difficult feats.  Although this feeling comes and goes...I often try to recapture it at my weakest moments.  

Jordan is amazing.  She is inquisitive, creative, sensitive.  I truly cannot wait to see who she becomes.  Any hope or dream I may have for her will pale with what she will actually accomplish.  

This morning, October 4, 2010, I woke up my oldest daughter by stroking my hand along her heart shaped face.  She slowly opened her eyes.  "Jordan, today...you are four.  Starting right now." She smiled the biggest of smiles up at my and put her hand on my cheek, "Really Mommy?  Really I'm four?"  It has come so fast and has been an amazing ride.   I can't wait to see what happens next!